I can not tell you how much of an internal war that is raging inside of me right now. I’m just honestly not ok.
We live in a world where its faux this, faux that. There are ads all around us saying purchase this product with the look and feel of the real deal. For example wood floors… get these laminate floors at half the price and easy installation of real wood.
So let me stop there if I may. The fake floors we installed over the summer will have to be replaced at some point when they wear out, come apart and the fake finish comes off. For right now it was a steal of a deal and an I love the way it turned out in our home. But I know deep down inside that if we could we totally would have put down real hard wood flooring. (But omg that price tag!!)
Faux floors will not have character built in over time, they will have the coloring that ages over time. They can not be refinished into a fresh new look over time. And they certainly can’t be reimagined into some creative DIY project.
What becomes of faux floors?
They become garbage in about 5-10 years. Yep all that time and money spent on them it just becomes garbage.
My response for a long time has been “I’m fine.” Ha well my husband knows that when I say I’m fine…I’m not fine. He’s such a trooper with my craziness LOL I love him.
So I’m not “fine.” Fine is that fake word I use when I want things to be ok, when I want people to think I’m ok but in reality I’m just a raging war of hurt, emotions and tears ready to burst at the seams of my existence.
My husband and I have been going through a season of secondary infertility since 2014. We have tried and tried and tried for another child. We have had multiple miscarriages. Asked God many questions and been in the doctors office way to many times asking answers and waiting on results.
I don’t know if this season will endin us not adding another child, adding another child or if it will end in allowing God to just use this for His purposes. (I’m leaning towards the later answer.)
I can not tell you how many tears I have cried telling God please I do not want this. I don’t want to be barren. Why can’t I add more children to my family, a playmate for my daughter…a son for my husband. I don’t want this to be my testimony.
Lol but you know what…maybe God does. Maybe He has allowed this experience to happen for me to lean into Him more. Maybe He has allowed it for well whatever his reasons are.
The only thing I’m sure of is that this season will end and I have to be ok with however that season ends.
My daughter the other day said mom when will we get snow? I looked at her and thought oh my little girl we live in Texas…SOUTH Texas for cryin out loud!! It never snows here…but every now and then we get lucky and it does. So I said well, it doesn’t happen often but it does happen. We just have to wait and see.
So I just have to wait and see.
Can we make a promise to one another…lady to lady…can we please stop saying we’re “fine” when we’re really not? Can we stop pretending and just face reality? Can we stop faux-ing everything in our life to distract ourselves into believing everything is ok?
I think our emotional state would be so much healthier if we really just said what we mean when we feel it.
I ask that you would lift my family in prayer and I pray I that I would do the same for you.
Until next time….have a blessed, safe, warm week.
Women Simply Thriving